A special kind of common bond

by Ann Martin

So very many things changed in my life on August 13, 2018 when we adopted Claudia and Jefferson and officially became a forever family of 7. One of those many things is that I am now a mother of a child with special needs. More specifically, I am a mother to a grown child who is profoundly deaf, has very limited language skills, and is developmentally delayed with mental health challenges. 

One of the many blessings of being Claudia’s mom is how it has connected me to the Community of Families with Special Needs. When I speak to a member of another special needs family, what I understand about them is that there is a level of complexity in their life that I don’t understand. I may relate on some aspects, but there are nuances to each of our versions of complexity that we may never relate to in one another. And that’s okay. Our sameness is that we’re different and we are comfortable with that. This openness has often led to a beautiful depth of sharing our hearts in this common, but not the same, experience. 

One of my favorite places in the world happens to be an overly-air-conditioned, loud, chaotic and crowded room. Not because I enjoy any of those elements. In fact, I spend much of my time avoiding each of those things on a daily basis. Ha! But it is one of my favorite places because it’s at the Joni and Friends Family Retreat where families affected by a wide variety of disabilities come together to worship, study God’s Word, participate in fun family camp activities, and just live life together for a week.  It is the most respectful environment I have ever been in, which no doubt, is one of the reasons I love it so much. 

My neurotypical kids would tell you that there they don’t have to explain anything about their lives; that people just understand. They get to spend time with other siblings of special needs individuals, and while sometimes they may process aspects of their life, mostly they just get to live without as many limitations. Joni and Friends has amazing volunteers that come alongside families to help remove some of those barriers that often prevent them from spending time as a family and with other people. 

For Claudia, being at Joni and Friends means she is not only welcome and accepted just as she is, but she is celebrated! She is easily overwhelmed in social situations where she is expected to interact a certain way. There, Claudia has very few expectations put on her so her stress is minimized and that leaves her free to participate in her way. All of the individuals with special needs there are given the same kind of opportunity to be themselves (thus the room being loud and chaotic!). This is where respect is essential to the whole experience as we all have to work together, families and volunteers, to honor each person as a whole person. It’s a lot of work, but it’s absolutely incredible!

Having a family member with special needs can often be very isolating. On top of having a high amount of needs that must be met, it can be challenging to try to blend the dynamics of our family with the social structures around us. I know that I am calculating an exhausting amount of variables in simple social interactions when Claudia is a part of them. Obviously that comes with a cost to those interactions. That isn’t a complaint, but it is a reality. 

So we love connecting with other special needs families. A number of our friends have been a part of this community for a long time as they have raised or are still raising their special needs kids. Now we find ourselves living out our own dynamics in it with them. The way that God has blessed us through these relationships is some of the sweetest parts of our story. They have guided us, cried with us, and laughed with us. We treasure these friendships.

I must add though, that we have some amazing friends who have broken through the barriers that often come with being in community with a special needs family, though they themselves may not have a personal experience with it. They listen as we process, are willing to adjust with any plans made, and aren’t afraid to enter into our world right with us. 

So while my life has changed dramatically since that day four years ago, I am grateful for these changes. And now that we’ve very recently transitioned Claudia into a group home, we find ourselves in another new stage. We can’t wait to see what God is going to teach us, and her, in this season as we know we can trust His faithfulness to lead us.

Ann is wife of Pastor Brian and mother of five children – three biological and two adopted. She has lived in Rochester and been a part of Calvary for just over seven years. She enjoys pour over coffee, peace and quiet, biographical and autobiographical books, hiking, and things that are cozy and warm. Her favorite person in the world is her husband, Brian, for many reasons, but not the least of which is that wrote this bio for her.