by Katherine O’Grady
Marriage is for the long-haul. It’s purpose-driven. I like what Pastor Brian at Calvary Evangelical Free Church recently said from the pulpit: “We are just two hungry beggars showing each other where to find the food.” I may have misquoted him slightly, but nonetheless, the underlying concept is the same: two sinners, in need of grace, continually pointing each other to Christ, which is basically marriage in a nutshell.
Hollywood Love
Too often, our ideas about love and marriage are conflated with fiction and the big screen. These idealized examples of love seep into our picture of what marriage is supposed to be like and what we are supposed to feel in marriage. Film, music, and art fill our minds with the notion that love is about desire. We are shown, time and again, a damsel in distress being swept off her feet by her knight in shining armor. Romance narratives, even the most idealized and classic, are filled with a Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo, deny thy father, and refuse thy name…take all myself!-kind of passion, a la Juliet.
Sorry, Hollywood, Disney, and Shakespearean romance: this is not true love!
Hallmark Love
It is the season for red roses, chocolate, strawberries, and Valentines’ cards, but, as any spouse can tell you, love is more than a season. These gifts surely can be great expressions of love, but in and of themselves, they do not endure. Just think about those roses cut from the vine: they look glamorous for a week or two, but despite your attention and care, they will darken, drop their leaves, and be destined for the trash.
Wordly love is just like this. It seems glamorous, attractive, appetizing, even tasty, but it has an extremely short life span. And, sorry to burst your bubble, Hallmark: true love can’t even be defined as a city girl being swept off her feet by an attractive small-town farm boy!
Love Is Not Fast & Furious
Think of the sexiest car: a Ferrari, Corvette, Audi R8, whatever you prefer, and give it all the features you’ve ever wanted. Heated seats and steering wheel? Custom leather details? Voice command? Done! Now, take the engine out and see how far you can get. You might still cruise a while, even a mile. But without that engine, you’ll simply be coasting, and you’ll come to a stop soon.
That’s like a marriage without grace, centered on personal desire rather than on God’s desires for your relationship. It can look thrilling on the outside, but on the inside, it’s hollow and filled with heartache and empty promises. Two people weren’t ever intended to keep that kind of marriage going. We need a strand of three, as God outlines in Ecclesiastes 4:9.
True Love is about Commitment for the Long Haul
True love in marriage is based on a commitment to love the other person and to be faithful to that person. This commitment and choice is not based on what they deserve; instead, it is a reflection of grace. Christ chooses to love you not based on what you deserve but because of his love for you. He chooses to love you time and time again, and will continue to do so.
When we choose to love and forgive our spouse, we are reflecting Christ: “Jesus, being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death – even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:6-10)
The song from Calvary’s Christmas play, Forgiven,is ringing in my ears: “He gave his life for us that we might live.” That is the attitude we should have in our marriage. In your marriage you can choose to reflect Christ in forgiveness, or deny Him by being unforgiving. But there is a crucial element in this equation. We can’t forgive without first receiving Christ’s forgiveness. The same is true for our ability to love. According to 1 Corinthians 13:1-6, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I am not kind, loving, or able to keep no record of wrong, but God is. Only through Christ working in me can I be these things to my spouse. I make promises that I forget or mistreat my spouse in a moment of anger. This is our flesh that wages war within us. However, there is a cure: Christ. Christ is the one who takes our flesh, our sin, our anger, and transforms us and gives us the ability to love our spouse day after day.
Marriage isn’t just desire, a good feeling, or a relationship of romance or convenience. It is a commitment, saying I do and I will, through the grace of Christ in me, time and time again.