Testimony: feeling distant from God

by Suzanne Jones

I remember the moment I first had back pain. It was a beautiful spring day, and I was playing hide-and-seek with one of my special education students I was assigned to. I turned slightly and felt my back seize up. Two years after that moment involved multiple injections, therapies, nerve ablations, and imaging. I finally had a referral to a neurosurgeon. I had a multitude of things going on in my lower spine/pelvis. The doctors guessed that the issues might have started with possible slight fracture years ago and as I aged, arthritis and the beginning of osteoporosis helped to wreak havoc. I had completely lost a disc, and some of the fractured pieces were poking into one of my joints.  There was also inflammation in the bones in this area. In addition, they discovered my sacroiliac joints (SI) were also compromised by arthritis.

 June 12, 2023, I had two surgeries in one to finally repair my back. It lasted about 9 hours, and I was in the hospital for a week. An SI surgeon fused my SI joints with screws. Then the neurosurgeon spent the rest of the surgery fusing my vertebrae from L4-S1, removing a lot of the disintegrating and inflamed bones, adding a metal disc and securing my spine into my pelvis with more screws. It took me 3 months to be able to walk and it was a few wobbly steps at a time with a walker. The day I could make it up the stairs by myself was joyous! I had just graduated from using a cane to walking on my own when the next school year was ready to begin. I struggled still with stamina and my gait. I am at awe of physical therapists and what they have helped me accomplish this past year. They still are finding ways to help me improve to become stronger, to prevent further surgery, and to ease ongoing muscle and nerve pain. 

When I was asked to write this article, my first thought was, “Absolutely not! I don’t feel on fire for God right now. How would I be encouraging at all?” I see people raising their hands in worship in church and I miss feeling like that. I have been taking the time this summer to dig deeper into why I’m not filled with joy. I have begun to mentally process last year. I realized that my recovery was rushed, and my school year was incredibly busy with having a senior in high school graduating. Out of curiosity, I googled spiritual depression. Interestingly, an article from Medical News Today from 12/6/23 popped up. Cecilia Effa writes, “Spiritual depression refers to feelings of sadness, a loss of joy, and a disconnect from spirituality, religion, or God…it may involve feeling like there is a loss of faith or connection to God, having less time or inclination toward religious or spiritual study.” I began to understand why I’m feeling a bit low spiritually. My life has been an incredibly stressful whirlwind where I’ve been just trying to keep my head above water. I think it is absolutely natural in these times to feel less connected to God. I’m realizing that it is the enemy that makes us compare ourselves to others. We may feel guilty and feel “less of a Christian” when we do.

I began to honestly talk to God more recently. I told Him that I felt guilty that I am not feeling passionately on fire for him and I want to be again. After all, He has greatly healed me and brought me through some very dark nights.  He also has helped me to realize that I often felt safer thinking that I am in control of my life, not God. It is a current battle to continually let go of things and give them to him. A friend gave me a prayer that I love that I can use when I catch myself trying to be the leader, “Father, please help me to match your stride, to feel your strength working in me, through me, beside me. Please don’t let me waste my energy by trying to do things in my own strength.” I am learning that continued prayer and communication with God is the key to maintaining and strengthening our spirituality.

I am reading an incredible book this summer by Jennie Allen, Untangle Your Emotions. She writes, “A relationship with God—it changes everything. He untangles the chaotic knots in our souls—but probably not in the way that we expected and maybe not in the way we learned, which was to pretend that they aren’t there and tell ourselves that everything’s okay and chastise ourselves because if we just believed God enough, we wouldn’t be so sad or worried. He untangles the knots through seasons of tears and raw honesty and running again and again back to Him . . .because He cares for us. He wants all of us. He wants to know it all. So, we choose to notice and name and feel and share—and in every step along that path, we invite Jesus into it. We tell Him all of it…”

I have learned that we can’t dictate to God how healing should occur or when/if it will occur. I know that Jesus is compassionate and is with us through the pain. Jesus has experienced the worst imaginable pain himself and has great compassion for the sick and hurting. I also find peace in knowing that our bodies are not perfect here on earth but someday they will be. In His timing and in His way, He will give you the strength when you need it. You just need to continuously run to Him. He is our rock, and His word is our source of hope and direction. I will hold in my heart Psalm 130:5, “I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.” I will choose to put my hope in him because I know deep down that He is my backbone.

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Suzanne Jones is new to Calvary this past year. She is eager to get plugged in and meet others. She is a co-owner and teacher at an in-home preschool in NW Rochester, Hilltop Beginnings Preschool. She previously worked in the Rochester school district and at Kingdom Kids Preschool. Before that she was a freelance writer for 10 years and worked at Mayo Clinic as an editorial assistant. She has two children: Mikayla (21) and Elyana (18). Her niece, who is 20 years old, also resides with her and attends college. She and her husband, Nate, just celebrated their 25^th-year anniversary. They will be transitioning to become “empty nesters” this fall.