Testimony: finding God’s grace in a turbulent life

by Mary Egge

Sometimes when people look at me they think my life appears perfect, as if my husband Dave and I have breezed through life. The reality is very different.

 I was raised as a Catholic girl in a small-town Minnesota home. I was taught that it was the priest’s job to hear me confess my sins and forgiveness came from him. 

As a girl, my spirit was damaged by a family member who had sexually abused me. I couldn’t make sense of this. I appeared to be a happy little girl, but I soon turned into a rebellious teenager. The abuse was a dark secret and it felt like someone had taken away my entire being and my knowledge of who I was.  I tried to counteract these feelings through drinking. I was now in control, I thought.  

While in high school I met Dave at a town hall dance. About a year later we figured out where babies come from. I was now a 17-year-old parent and Dave was a 16-year-old parent. (Babies raising babies!) We finished school, got married and started our lives together; but for the first 30 years I suffered with the “battlefield of the mind” that is mental illness. 

During all these years Dave stood beside me: working full-time, taking care of our two young children, managing a house, and trying to help a wife who had severe mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, major depression, DID, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation. He saw me through dozens of hospitalizations, 13 years of ECT treatments, alcoholism treatment, and time in a group home. We lived in crisis mode all the time. Dave had to learn, set, and enforce boundaries and to continue our love. Sometimes the boundaries seemed harsh, but they were necessary for him and myself. This allowed me to grow. 

My soul is weary with sorrow. Strengthen me according to your word.

Psalm 119:28 

 As I engaged in extensive inpatient and outpatient therapies, I gradually began to find healing, and the concrete wall in my heart that kept me from seeing any hope- including hope in God- came partially down. Because I had been such a stranger to myself, God had also seemed like a stranger to me. Dave had knowledge of Christ from his loving grandparents who had helped raise him. They knew- and lived out- the Bible. They left behind a legacy of faith and Dave often shared these stories of living faith with me.

Once I started to get healthier, Dave and I started visiting churches together. There, I heard two new pieces of information. First: that it was possible to have a personal relationship with God. I had been raised with the idea that God was someone to be feared, not loved. And second: the amazing idea that I could go directly to Jesus for forgiveness! To have a personal relationship with Christ. No priest required!  I started to wonder, “who is this God who could possibly love me?” After some time of being exposed to church, Bible study, and new friends who followed Jesus, I began to look at my own heart and to see that my own bitterness, crippling fear and anger were killing me and hurting my loved ones. [Ephesians 4:31-32]   I realized that I too am a sinner. [Psalm 32:5]

Soon after I started walking with Jesus- the groundwork having been laid in my heart about forgiveness- we traveled to a funeral in the small town where I grew up. After the funeral as we stood in the back of the church I saw- for the first time in 40 years -the man who abused me when I was a child. The man was walking up the aisle toward us. I approached him and reached my hand out for his. He reluctantly raised his hand. In my mind I heard these words as though they were spoken to me by the Lord: “I love you. Yes, you, Mary. Fear not, for I am with you. You are safe.”  I faced the man and slowly I said, “I forgive you.” I wasn’t afraid! I was holding my abuser’s hand! He hadn’t asked for my forgiveness, but I gave it to him anyway. Because I felt that my heart was commanding me to. I felt safe.  I truly believe the Holy Spirit was guiding me in these moments. I was able to look into the eyes of the man who deeply hurt me, and whom I allowed to control my life, after all these years, and be set free.

I walked out of the church a few minutes later and found my husband doubled over outside in front of the church with his hands outstretched, crying. 

“What just happened??” he sobbed. “What is happening?” he kept repeating.

“I don’t know what just happened!” I wailed. “I just felt like I was being asked to do that so I did!” A calm had come over me. Over both of us. He wrapped his arms around me and we stood there together in the falling snow for a few moments. It felt holy. We were both in total disbelief. For 40 years I had been unable to even go near that town without having a panic attack. I was free. 

Forgiveness is so powerful. Being able to forgive those that I believed had destroyed me has been the most amazing experience of my life.  I now realize that not only did I forgive my abuser, but Jesus has forgiven me- and continues to forgive me- for my sins.  I am seeing things in a new light for the first time in my life. [Ephesians 1:18] 

 People who know our story have asked Dave, “What made you stay? Most men would have walked out and shut the door!” He always replies “When we stood in front of the church on our wedding day, our commitment was not only to each other but to God, and I was not going to let God down.” I am so grateful for Dave’s love, faithfulness to me and to God; and I am grateful for how Jesus loves us and how He has planted faith-filled friends into my life. We did not know it at the time, but we now look back realizing how God was with us through it all.  I still wrestle with depression, as one manages any chronic illness. But I am no longer enslaved to it. Because I belong to Him and He has set me free.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

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Mary Egge is an avid gardener and is known in the neighborhood as The Flower Lady. Mom to 2 grown boys and grandma to 3 grandchildren, she loves them one and all. Mary and her husband Dave are members at Calvary and continue to grow in the faith and love of our Savior.