Help for troubled marriages

by Yvette Kidman

Editor’s note: while not currently attending Calvary, Yvette is beloved by many of us here and has generously agreed to share her professional biblical counsel on marriage issues.

Our Negative Cycle – The Enemy

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

“There is no fear in love.  But perfect loves drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  I John 4:18 NIV

“You are a cruel, rigid, and uncaring parent,” accuses Marsha.  “You never pay any attention to me or the kids, you just go to work, come home and watch football.”  Bob stares blankly back at her and then retorts in a harsh tone, “Well, you’re a push over.  You let the kids have anything they want, you never tell them no, and they run right over you.”  They go back and forth arguing until Bob storms away retreating into the basement and slamming the door behind him.  This type of argument is as common and predictable for Marsha and Bob as the sun rising every morning.

What just happened?  Was this just a parenting conflict?  Was this a power struggle about who is right? Certainly, both explanations make sense.  But what if there is something deeper going on under the surface that is moving the couple’s predictable pattern?    According to Dr. Sue Johnson, the question that lovers need answered is, ‘Are you there for me?’ When that question is answered then conflict and other issues are more easily resolved.

Couples co-create their negative cycle and couples can work together to change it.  The negative cycle gets started when one person is needing connection or support (attachment) and the other misses the cue.  Marsha was already feeling alone and disconnected when her anger moved her to pursue Bob through harsh criticism.  She was blaming him for her bad feelings.  His fear response took over, so he attacks back with criticism too, which is blaming Marsha for his feelings.  Soon, he feels defeated being convinced that he will never ‘get it right’, so he withdraws and shuts down.  This triggers Marsha’s shame because she’s just been rejected and abandoned.  Their disconnection is maintained through fear and shame.  Both people are hurt and convinced the most important person in their life is truly their enemy.  

The way couples change their negative cycle is to work together to see the cycle as the enemy rather than each other.  They must slow things down; seeking to understand their feelings, the story in their head and identify their longing for connection (attachment).  However, this will only occur when they can access their softer more vulnerable emotions (remorse, regret, sad, lonely, hurt, despair, insecurity, hopelessness, shame) that are being suppressed by the stronger protective emotions (fear, anger, and shame).  Yes, shame is in both categories.  God wired us with emotions.  Your feelings move you toward what matters and away from danger.  Emotions will make sense when taken the time to explore. 

First and foremost, God must be our source for love (attachment) and identity, not our partner.  His unconditional love will transform our shame.  Then we can risk revealing our longings and insecurities.  When our vulnerability is received with tender respect and compassion, an emotional bond occurs, and the relationship bond is strengthened.  Over time, the question “Are you there for me?” gets answered.  

Of course, for many couples, their negative cycle has been happening for so long that the wounds are deep, and the walls are high.  Trust has been destroyed.  They may need professional help to find their connection again.  Additionally, there may be other mental health issues that need to be addressed first that are contributing to the negative cycle.  Childhood trauma, anxiety, depression, and ADHD are the most common.  Please be encouraged that there is help and treatment for these issues.

Negative cycles show up in all our close relationships.  So you can us these ideas with any of the distressed relationships you experience.  Please keep reminding yourself, that you can only control your part in the pattern.  You are responsible FOR your emotions, thoughts and behaviors.  You are responsible TO the other person (Cloud & Townsend).  You can care about their feelings, but you are not responsible FOR their feelings.  That said, some people are not emotionally safe because of their own childhood development that didn’t occur well.

Finally, there is NOTHING wrong with you for wanting to be close to your spouse or another.  God created you for connection, connection with Him and with others (attachment).  He gave Adam and Eve to each other so they would not be “alone”. (Genesis 2:18)  Even when you don’t feel seen, heard, valued and loved by your loved one, you are always seen, heard, valued and loved by the Lord.  He will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).  He is our perfect attachment being and truly is always there for us.

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Disclaimer:   Emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual abuse is real.  Seek help if you are being hurt or if you are doing the hurting.  

Book Recommendations: 

Created for Connection – (Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sandefer) – Couples

Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend) – Horizontal Relationships

The Pressures Off (Larry Crabb) – Vertical Relationship

Tired of Trying to Measure Up (Jeff VanVonderen) – Shame

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Yvette Kidman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy.  She has been married to Mark for 30 years and has 3 daughters ages 25, 24 and 19.  When she is not seeing clients, you’ll find her with friends, cooking or reading books on relationships, always testing what is said through God’s Word.